I grab a bowl of milk, top it with cinnamon toast crunch and Reese's
puffs, listen to the train blare its horn, and imagine I'm a freshman at
college again. Early in the morning at 7am, eating my cereal in an
empty dining hall, enjoying the moment of stillness.
Then sometimes, I remember that I was happy and excited about life then. and perhaps could again.
I said once at a youth meeting seminar thing at youths have passion.
That got some actual young people riled up and said "we aren't always
about passion" I think they mistook my term for erotic passion. I meant,
enthusiastic/excited/idealistic warm in the heart longing to change
something, do something adventurous! Because adults have lost that
passion and have become jaded. Experience has eroded that away. It's not
wrong. It's not bad. that's just how experience shapes us, makes us
more wary. But sometimes, I wish we could hang experience and just barge
into life without worrying so much about possible things that could
happen, probably would but just perhaps wouldn't. It's a lot of mindful
attitude, we're fickle. I just sometimes am sick of myself being so
pessimistic and jaded. I depress myself into thinking that what I'm
doing isn't worth it anymore. I'm sick of people. I'm sick of people
depending on each other. I'm sick of people expecting things of you that
you don't want to hold up.
It's just a gloomy friday morning. I'm not looking forward to the
weekend. It does not possess a happy outlook. My mind is a black hole.
Sucking everything inward to who knows where.
Maybe in my parallel universe I'm free.
-I wrote this post a while back, maybe in medical school, judging from the train horn, must have been in Lansing. I read this again today and still feel the same sometimes.-
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