the great human race

Nights turned into days. I don't like my night float necessarily because I don't like the guy who is the other night float intern. He is neurotic and paranoid and got me in trouble. But enough about him. Everyday has it's own troubles. He needn't add to it. Trouble is, he seems sincere but he also reacts in a very immature way that I particular hate because it grates my nerves, pet peeve so to say. Ok, not enough about him. He's mock what I say in a whiny voice and that just shoots up my blood pressure and makes me see red. He's 38 years old. What more can I say. He'll try to chat up the surgical intern and well, more rarely me. Jokingly, but still it's annoying because he isn't good looking or remotely attractive. Yeah. Petty but true.

Anyway. I was just thinking of how we're all pursuing separate lives, I mean, we siblings don't really communicate much, we've been separated geographically so long now. What if someone dies today? I think I will regret it immensely. Was also reading an article about women pursuing careers and neglecting long term relationships for hook-ups. That makes me sad. I still want a husband. Not just a career. I want to stop and smell the roses as they say. It's not easy. I don't like to talk to people sometimes because they just lecture and tell you how to live. Nothing to talk about anymore. I did a death pronouncement yesterday. White ghostly skin. fixed mid dilated pupils. glassy corneas. i lifted up the patient's eyelids, and closed them. no heartbeat. a shell of a person. i did not know this patient. I felt sad, unexpected sadder than I thought I would be. Maybe it was a forced reaction. I was feeling numb, like when I killed the rabbits, all emotions pushed away. So maybe I felt like I had to conjure up some feelings of grief for the passing of a person. Sure the person was old, time to go. But I felt sad.

And now if I get into an accident or have some arrthymia and die. Will anyone remember? Will anyone truly miss me? Apart from mum. :) But other than my parents, and perhaps my siblings. I have no other significant connection with any other human being. This grieves me. This makes me afraid to die.

What am I racing towards? what am I seeking?